Competing as a single parent is a unique experience. Not only are you signing up for extra challenges physically, mentally, and emotionally, but you are doing so while caring for another little person’s physical, mental and emotional wellness.
My experience
I began competing when my son was 6 years old. I was a single mom and was fortunate enough to have a live-in-nanny at the time who made my life about one million times easier. Being my first show, I did find prep difficult, as does anyone jumping into this whole new world for the first time, but having my son made it a little more physically and mentally draining than I anticipated. It was worth it, but it was certainly challenging.
Being someone that is always focused on self-reflection and self-growth, I found this to be a fantastic opportunity to learn something about myself and my family, and the way our relationships and interactions affect me both positively and negatively.
I learned that I am not always good at expressing myself, that I can be selfish at times, and that enduring some level of physical suffering (such as hours of cardio) makes me feel better when I am feeling frustrated or angry. I learned the value of time spent with my son and how important it is to him. I learned to establish healthier relationships with my family and that I had a whole new level of competitiveness in me that I was not previously aware of.
Long story short, with every show I do, I am able to delve deeper into why I am the way I am and how I need to better myself for the people that I love. It's not only about the physical gains you need to make. It's also about the mental and emotional gains. It's about your Emotional Fitness as much as it is about your Physical Fitness.
Challenges You May Face and How to Overcome Them
You won't have as much time to spend with your child.
I would like to assure you that no matter how wonderful of a parent you are and no matter how much you value and prioritize quality time with your children, both the quality AND the quantity of time spent with your family will significantly decrease throughout your time prepping for a show.
Physically, you will be spending more and more time in the gym, prepping your food, practising your posing, and getting ready for your competition. Mentally, you will begin losing focus, feel more and more tired, and spend increasing amounts of time thinking about things as silly as food. And emotionally, you just will not have the emotional space to deal with some of the things that you used to tolerate oh so easily.
This is all inevitable, so be prepared.
But you know what, it's OK! And your child will be fine! This doesn't last forever and as long as you have the insight to recognize when things are changing then you have the power to fix it. Schedule a time to check in with your kid if you have to, don't forget that they are the main priority in your life. But teach them that other things are important too and if you have decided that competing is one of them at this time in your life, then use it as an opportunity to embody and demonstrate courage, discipline and willpower to your child. What better way to encourage these qualities in your children than to lead by example and do it yourself!
To make it easier:
Try to schedule dates once a week with your children. My son and I do weekly date nights to make sure we are always getting our time in. Whether its going out to play at the arcade or cooking dinner together and snuggling up for a movie night in, they will remember this special time that you always set aside for them.
Get your stuff done first and put your phone away. Give them your undivided attention, prepare pre & post show knowing that you won't have as much time to offer during prep.
Encourage close relationships with other family and friends in their life for those times when you just don’t have the emotional space to be the perfect mommy or daddy in that moment.
It costs a lot of money.
If you are anything like me, I was a struggling single parent barely able to make ends meet every month. I paid for it all on my own and was proud to do so, but it was a never-ending financial crisis in my head. And competing definitely added to the stress of that. If you want an honest-to-God estimate as to how much it costs to compete, then take a minute to read How Much Does it Cost to Compete. But for the purpose of this post, I'm just going to tell you that it's expensive. This is something that you are going to have to think about and prepare for financially. You may also have to consider discussing it with others, because believe me, people will ask.
I had a good friend of mine ask me once, "Haley, would you buy your son a $600 Halloween costume?"
HA! What an absurd question! Right!? We are barely making ends meet every month. I'm happy if I have a $20 buffer in my bank account and my change jar on the counter for emergency groceries when we are really struggling. Why in the world would I want to save up for months to buy him a costume that he will wear for ONE day and then grow out of like immediately afterwards? Yeah right.
But then he made his point. I had just spent $600 on my first competition bikini and didn't even think twice about it. I told myself that I would wear it for multiple shows and make it worth the money, but who was I kidding. I'm like every other girl in the industry and I want a new suit every time! And sure enough I have bought new suits every time. To wear for only 30 seconds on stage…
But this really puts it into perspective, doesn't it?
Now obviously I'm not going to tell you how to parent, what's best for yourself or your child, what's selfish and what isn't. This is YOUR decision and yours alone. But be prepared to explain yourself because like I said, I guarantee people will ask.
How to prepare:
Budget. Research and know how much your show will cost you and be ok with it
Talk to other competitors to find out how they've done it. Despite this being a competition, the fitness industry attracts the most loving, helpful, kind people. We all respect the struggle that each other goes through and are always willing to share advice as to how to make it easier because hey, we’ve been there too!
Your Kids Will Irritate the S**T Out of You.
Do you have pet peeves? Do you find some things that people do and say just gut-wrenchingly, painfully annoying? So do I. But guess what, it gets SO MUCH WORSE when you are on prep.
Why? Because exerting all of this self-control and discipline to keep your diet and training on point is exhausting. An article that delves into the science of this is Health & Times: "The Cranky Dieter Explained: How Self-Control Makes You Angry" by Meredith Melnick.
Now understand that although most people can't control what irritates them, everyone can control how we deal with annoyances.
The biggest annoyance that I have with my son when I am dieting, is that the hungrier I get, the more irritated I get when he "eats too fast and doesn't appreciate his food". Sounds crazy right? But let me tell you... When I am hungry and I haven't had a donut in 8 freaking weeks and he devours that thing in under a minute... Gosh. My mind goes wild. "You didn't even taste that", "You're eating too fast", "You're not appreciating how good it tastes". I get aaaaangry. But is it fair to ask my son to eat slowly all of the time and savor his food, to change his habits just because I'm grumpy and dieting and frustrated that I can't have a donut myself? Of course not. So I need to make sure that I have not only the insight to recognize the problem and the absurdity of it, but the ability to regulate my emotions and control my lashing out in a moment of frustration.
Maybe this is something that will irritate you as well, or maybe you will experience something entirely different. Share some of your annoyances in the forum below. Know that you're not alone. Being a good parent means dealing with the emotions we have in a loving, positive way. No one can judge you for not being perfect all of the time, you will gain a lot more respect by recognizing what you are feeling and thinking, expressing yourself honestly and addressing those concerns in a mature, intentional matter.
But regardless of what you're feeling, at the end of the day, you love that little monster and the chaos that he or she brings to your life. So work through the irritability that comes with dieting and laugh about it later when you're eating donuts together again.
What to do about it:
Talk to your kids and be honest with them, tell them that you’re a little grumpy today and that it’s a you-problem, not them.
Practice self-awareness and self-reflection
Now although there are certainly more challenges that come with competing as a single parent or as a parent in general, I'm going to leave it at this. Personally, I feel like these are 3 of the biggest obstacles that I had the opportunity to overcome and that I continue to work on with each show that I do. As Lao Tzu said,
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.”
Remember this and never stop working on You.
X Haley